Thursday, 3 January 2013

The Pros and Cons of Single Living: or, What happens when you fall down the stairs.

My sketch of the great fall.
I decided to set up my Christmas tree this year, even though there didn't seem a lot of point because all my holiday festivities were happening away from the house. I got my dad to drag the boxes out of storage, then set to work decorating it. I chatted with my bestie, MJ, on the phone while I worked, and it was done pretty fast. Feeling productive, I picked up the empty tree box and headed down to the basement, still chatting away on the phone.

I don't know what happened next. One minute, I was navigating the steps without trouble, and the next, I guess I thought I was on the bottom one...but I was actually four steps up and I pitched forward as my foot fell into open space. I wasn't that worried at first, knowing I'd probably land on the laundry I'd failed to wash at the bottom of the stairs; but I didn't think about dangers on the way down. In a former life, my house had a half-door at the bottom of the basement stairs, and the weird half-door frame is still present, and this sharp angled corner of wood was what drove itself directly between my two elbow bones as I fell down into my basement. 

I think MJ really had the scariest time, as she would have had only this absurd train of sound effects to tell her what had happened:

(Me speaking): "So then I said to Alan, like, that's totally not what I--OOOOh!" [Clatter, thwack, skitter, thunk...] "Oh my god! Ohhhhhhh my god, owwwwww....OWWWWWWWW!" The phone got away from me as I rolled around on the floor, holding my arm and cursing. 

The point of this story (which continues on with a hospital trip, two rounds of xrays, and a hand that keeps going numb) is that, as I lay on the floor without anyone to help me, I thought: this is the ultimate reason why being single SUCKS.

Then I started composing a list of the pro's and con's of living single.


-You can watch whatever you want on TV.
-You can fall asleep watching the same romantic comedy every night for a month.
-If there's no milk left, you have only yourself to blame.
-You can pee with the bathroom door open.
-Dishes can wait. Sometimes, for weeks.
-Shaving your legs is also a sometimes thing.
-You can make any plans you want, without consulting anyone.
-You have only yourself to blame when the peanut butter runs out.
-You can talk to your dog like a human without anyone raising an eyebrow.


-When you fall down the stairs and injure yourself, you may die all alone in the basement.
-You never seem to finish all the eggs in the carton before they go bad.
-You have to yell at the neighbour next door to turn down his music, without any backup behind you.
-When you pick up sushi for dinner, you have to eat all of yours. Even the gross salmon ones. Because there's no one to trade with.
-If you need a glass of water at bedtime, you're either getting out of bed and stepping on that freezing cold floor, or you're going to bed with a parched throat.
-You have to get very, very creative on zipping up your own dress.
-You basically can't drink, because drinking alone in an empty house, especially while talking to your dog like a human, seems like a lot of checkmarks on the list for 'You May Have a Drinking Problem'.
-There is no one to whine when you eat the entire box of crackers, so sometimes you one sitting.

Anything to add? Leave a comment below. I feel like these lists could go on endlessly. While you comment, I'm going to go look into one of those Life Alert pendants, even though I'd undoubtedly forget it on the bathroom counter and then STILL fall down the stairs all alone. At which point, Mr Darcy will be his usual heroic self by eating my hair. 

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Get Up Offa That Thing, James Brown.


  1. Gladly help you with that drinking thing. Plenty of wine in the cellar. :)

    1. Much's really Mr Darcy who does the drinking, though. ;)

  2. Gee after 30 yrs of being with my other half, most of your pros fit me too :)
    Judy R.

    1. LOL well that's good to know for the future, Judy!

  3. Do you like dill? Because I stress-ate my way through a box of dill-flavoured Triscuits last night and I feel NO SHAME. ;-)

    1. OMG, I didn't even know they MADE dill Triscuits. This will happen.

  4. Whole box of sweet potato wheat thins. All me.


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