Truthful Tips for Driving a Car

Long before I had a blog, I wrote 'notes' on Facebook. No one seems to use this Facebook feature
anymore, but since I wasn't a blogger, I loved it and used it frequently. Yesterday I glanced through my old entries and found this one, from when I first started driving with a G2 (the local driver's learning licence that allows you to drive solo for the first time). I remember that first drive: I forgot everything I'd been taught, broke every traffic rule in the book, and somehow didn't die. After six months of honing my skills, I wrote this helpful list and when I reread it this week, it struck me as something that needed to be shared.

These are my recommendations for the next edition of the Driver's Manual.

1. Don't get cocky. Snow tires do *not* make your Yaris into a Canyonero.

2. Applying makeup while driving, because you are late, will not save you time...you will consistently be tardy at green lights. And people will hate you.

3. While, yes, it is the City's fault that that telephone pole is so close to your driveway, you still need to pay better attention to your turn radius.

4. Singing loudly in the car is your right. Forcing neighbouring cars to listen to your blaring music is not.

5. Only new drivers use turn signals. I haven't found the part in the handbook that says signals are optional, but based on the drivers around me, it must be in there somewhere.

6. A fender bender is frightening; a fender bender is more frightening when the other driver involved is a crazy Asian woman with Medusa hair and technicolor lipstick who gets out and demands to know why you hit her.

7. Your car will collect more garbage than you ever thought possible. It will eventually start self-replicating and may actually take over your vehicle, staging a frightening coup where it finally pushes you out the door and hijacks you.

8. It is difficult and dangerous to lift your feet when going over traintracks if you're the driver. One superstition you may want to let go of.

9. Your cell will only ring when you've forgotten your handsfree thingy.

10. Driving 3 kilometers with your left blinker on, without realizing it, will keep other drivers far away from you and make you wonder what the hell they're all avoiding.

Just Let Go.

Do you think it's possible to hit a point where so many things are happening, fluctuating, changing in your world that you just hit your max capacity and suddenly no longer care about anything? Please tell me you believe this is possible, because otherwise something is really wrong with me.

An inspector came by today and told me that he has concerns about the contractors my condo group has hired to do repair work to my foundation. I made a 'hmmmm' sound, weighed the situation, realized I would never convince the condo group to find someone new, and just...let it go. If the guy fracks it up, they'll have to hire someone else. What am I going to do, run around out back and question them on the depth of their digging or the strength of their cement? I literally have no idea what I could do, other than demand another contractor and potentially just have the exact same issue. So I let it go.

Tonight Corben meets the chief assessor for his service dog training. Corben is going through a stage where he thinks every dog around him is a plaything. This means he is likely going to try to wrestle with the assessor's own service dog. I warned him, and then I just stopped worrying about it. He's a nine month old puppy that's only about half-way through his training. The assessor knows this. What can I possibly do, short of drugging my dog or spraying the assessor's dog with vinegar (Corben's most hated thing on earth)? So I let it go.

Today Alan comes back to the house to get the last of his stuff. My house is in chaos because of this. I thought about running around and trying to spot-clean the place in between the boxes, knowing full well that anything I clean up right now will get dirtied again by the moving process. What magical powers am I supposed to have where having half the house's contents moved out was going to happen without the house looking like a bomb went off? So I let it go.

Instead I am sitting in the organized chaos of my dining room-turned-office and working quietly while listening to 80s rock music. I figure, between my dog chasing the cat, my foundation being dug up around me, and my home stuffed with boxes, I probably look like that quartet in Titanic that just kept playing til the ship sank.

But I've learned over the last couple years that sometimes my most helpful motto is, Let Go and Let Goddess. Take your hands off the wheel, people. Smile and stand back from the chaos. Watch it unfold. And wait...wait til the right moment presents itself for your intervention. You'll know it when you see it. Until then, get a cup of tea, do some yoga, and turn on the 80s rock. It's permissible to be overwhelmed and to admit some things are outside your control. Let go.

Back to work for me. I'll tell you how it all comes together. Because it will. It always does.

Dog Drugs, Singlehood, and the Joys of Solo Time

CORBEN PULLS A MARILYN

Yesterday while I was doing my hair, Corben left the bathroom and ten minutes later I found him spread out on my couch with an empty pill bottle tilted down his throat. He’d slobbered the label completely off the thing, so I had to retrace his steps until I found some tablets on the ground and could determine what he’d taken. It turned out to be a sedative used by both humans and animals (small blessings), so when I called the vet I was simply put on ‘dog watch’—a minimum six hour monitoring of a nine month-old puppy for ‘signs of anything unusual’. Y’know, because 9 month old puppies never do anything unusual. Anyway, he spent the rest of the morning getting really fascinated with anything I touched. At one point he buried his head in the laundry and just inhaled, slow and deep.

OH YEAH, AND...

Oh, and I’m single again. Yeah, I thought I’d write a big emotional thing here, but I’m fine. I mean it: I’m FINE. Truly fine. I don’t know if breakups are different the older you get, or if it’s because after divorce, everything feels a little less catastrophic…like if you had a leg eaten off by a shark, and then later a dog bit you at the park, and you’d just be like, “That’s nothing. Have you seen my peg leg?” The actual breakup happened a few months back, and I spent some time processing, and now I’m at the point where I’m not exactly single ready to mingle, but I’m also lightyears away from crying in the dark.

I think what’s surprised me the most is that I’m totally okay with being alone. I’m looking forward to it, in a way. If I want to eat cereal for dinner while standing in the bathroom because I’m doing my makeup before heading out to a movie, that’s ok. If I want to play Call of Duty for an hour instead of buying groceries, that’s ok. When I do buy groceries, I only have one insane set of dietary needs to consider, and that’s glorious.

BOYS VS GIRLS 

Today my friend Pepper and I were discussing dating. Pepper is awesome. Her romantic experiences are within the realm of girl-boy things, whereas mine (as you know) meanders back and forth over the gender line. We were conferring on the complexities of trying to get men to talk about their feelings in an upfront and direct way. I told Pepper, “If I knew how to get guys to just talk about their feelings and practice appropriate self reflection and introspective observation, I maybe wouldn’t have ended up spending half my adult life dating women.”

Pepper pointed out that this means I have options, but it’s not that simple. I explained, “Yeah but then you get into the world of 'mental ninjitsu mixed with verbal acrobatics with a smidgen of passive aggressive assasination attempts', and then you'll find yourself seeking out the refuge of a strong hairy chest and monosyllabic conversations.”

“So, pros and cons to both,” said Pepper.

“Yep. At the same time, it's like choosing between two equally awesome tropical beaches, but also being stuck on two tropical beaches without an umbrella or sunscreen...eventually, it burns...”

Obviously, I’m not coming at the dating scene with the same wide-eyed naïve vigor with which I approached it as a younger woman. I think this means I’ll be a lot more committed to my mental ‘checklist’ of things that I will and won’t tolerate. As I’ve aged, I’ve learned that time is precious, and I’m wary of wasting it.

Unless, of course, we’re talking about laying on my bed, alone, playing Call of Duty for an hour wearing a sexy nightgown for no reason and eating Easter chocolate I keep hidden in the freezer. That…that is time well wasted.

Comiccon Cosplay: MJ and I Rock

For Ottawa Comiccon this year, MJ and I went as Tank Girl and Jet from the Tank Girl comics (and also movie). If you don't know these characters, here's a pic. (They have no set uniforms...basically picture what two quirky girls would steal and wear in a post-apocalyptic Mad Hatter's tea party of a world...)





We had a blast. Corben came with, and he did great, too. I think the pictures do enough talking of their own. Enjoy.

Oh, and if you don't already know, I kinda run this little site called Capital Geek Girls, so you can go over there and geek out with us. MJ and I do a YouTube show called Two Girls Talking there, and it's so bad it's good. Cheers.

Blog Out Loud 2014: Wrap Up and Thank You

Last night I was one of the bloggers selected to read at Blog Out Loud Ottawa 2014, which was part of the Ottawa Writer's Festival this year. I didn't know before getting there that I was one of a handful selected out of about 60 applicants. I can tell you, that raised the stress level a bit...but was obviously a huge honor.

That's me!

I wanted to write a quick post and say thank you so much to Lynn, who organizes this event every year. This is my second time being selected, and it is such a unique and special opportunity as a blogger, to witness an audience hearing your writing. Blogging can be crazy-making, because you hear back from so few of the readers, and you have absolutely no way of knowing what they thought. It's not like books, where I can measure the enjoyment of my readers by the number of copies sold. So to have that time where a room of a hundred people laughs at all the right spots, and sighs at all the right spots...it's a kind of a magic.

To those that stayed to talk to me, thank you so incredibly much for doing so. The post the jury selected for me to read was The Four Horsemen of the Mental Health Apocalypse. It's a very personal post, and a very dark one--though written with my usual irreverence, of course. I was nervous to share it like that, and as we got closer to the date I was less certain it would resonate with people in the flesh; but apparently it did, because you were so generous and effusive with your praise.

Thank you for coming up to talk to me, and sharing some of your stories about mental health. For the aspiring blogger I met, who told me, "You said everything I wish I could say about depression": thank you. For all the others, thank you too. I came to share a gift of a story with you, and instead I feel like I left with far more in return than I can ever express.

Corben had a bowtie.

Corben thanks you all, as well. He handled the echoes, the chamber music, and the rounds of applause like a champ. Attached to that is a special thank you to Lynn from Dogs In Harmony who has helped my 8 month old furball become a polite young man.

And a deep, heartfelt thank you to my friends who came out. Though I was far across the room standing alone on that stage, it was directly to you guys that I was reading.

And lastly, a thank you to the combat veterans who inspired the Four Horsemen post. In learning about service animals and working with Corben, I have had the distinct honor of getting to meet some of you, and seeing you at your most courageous--not when you're fighting battles with guns against enemies, but when you're fighting battles with nothing but your strength, against inner demons. It was for you that I wrote the post.

Alright, that's enough mushy stuff. As you were.

Ottawa Vintage Clothing Show: Spring 2014 was all about the frocks!

If you missed the Ottawa Vintage Clothing Show this year, I'd like to torture you for a few minutes with what you missed.

The show was as big and grand as always. If you were looking for anything from costume jewellery to stunning vintage shoes, you were in the right place. The cold spring meant there was still a market for coats and furs, so it was not uncommon to see someone trying on a spring gown at the same time as they were purchasing a wool jacket.

The plethora of unusual hats this season was matched only by the skads of fabulous vintage wedding dresses. Lace, organza, and tulle in all shades of white were everywhere, and to my utter joy, numerous cool brides were trying them on. Likewise, anyone looking for an adorable prom dress that would not soon be forgotten was definitely in the right place.

I left with a kicky little orange 50s dress, and hesitated over a hand-stitched Ukrainian peasant blouse that I really wish I'd picked up. There's always something you regret not grabbing.

The show was packed as always, and the treasures were worth the occasional stray elbow to the ribs as men and women clamored for access to the racks. The cowboy shirts, alone, were enough reason for men to get in there and pillage the show.

All in all, this was another successful sale and I hope you'll all come to the next one in the fall. For those who were there with me, I do apologize if I elbowed you myself. A girl can't be held to blame for what she'll do for vintage fashion.

If you'd like to stay apprised of the Vintage Show's happenings, check them out on Facebook today!

Blog Out Loud Ottawa Makes Me Blush

So I totally am behind on a couple of stories I want to share, but last week I was eyeball deep in a big
written proposal so all my word count went to that. But meanwhile, Blog Out Loud Ottawa posted about me talking this week upcoming at the BOLO event, and their words were so incredibly awesome that I've left the window open all week just to keep rereading it. It's an amazing and gratifying feeling when you see someone else talk about something you've worked so hard on, and they totally GET what you've been trying to do. It's amazing, actually. I swear, this will be scrapbooked and maybe even read at my funeral one day.

Read their awesome 'about Jordan' here.

And come see me read out loud at the BOLO event on Tuesday night. It's free, it's in Ottawa, and there are about 15 other bloggers reading so if I don't amuse you, they might.