Truthful Tips for Driving a Car

Long before I had a blog, I wrote 'notes' on Facebook. No one seems to use this Facebook feature
anymore, but since I wasn't a blogger, I loved it and used it frequently. Yesterday I glanced through my old entries and found this one, from when I first started driving with a G2 (the local driver's learning licence that allows you to drive solo for the first time). I remember that first drive: I forgot everything I'd been taught, broke every traffic rule in the book, and somehow didn't die. After six months of honing my skills, I wrote this helpful list and when I reread it this week, it struck me as something that needed to be shared.

These are my recommendations for the next edition of the Driver's Manual.

1. Don't get cocky. Snow tires do *not* make your Yaris into a Canyonero.

2. Applying makeup while driving, because you are late, will not save you time...you will consistently be tardy at green lights. And people will hate you.

3. While, yes, it is the City's fault that that telephone pole is so close to your driveway, you still need to pay better attention to your turn radius.

4. Singing loudly in the car is your right. Forcing neighbouring cars to listen to your blaring music is not.

5. Only new drivers use turn signals. I haven't found the part in the handbook that says signals are optional, but based on the drivers around me, it must be in there somewhere.

6. A fender bender is frightening; a fender bender is more frightening when the other driver involved is a crazy Asian woman with Medusa hair and technicolor lipstick who gets out and demands to know why you hit her.

7. Your car will collect more garbage than you ever thought possible. It will eventually start self-replicating and may actually take over your vehicle, staging a frightening coup where it finally pushes you out the door and hijacks you.

8. It is difficult and dangerous to lift your feet when going over traintracks if you're the driver. One superstition you may want to let go of.

9. Your cell will only ring when you've forgotten your handsfree thingy.

10. Driving 3 kilometers with your left blinker on, without realizing it, will keep other drivers far away from you and make you wonder what the hell they're all avoiding.