This Christmas Isn't Even About the Giving.

Usually for me, I think Christmas is all about the gift-giving, because I love giving gifts.

Not this year. This year, it's all about what I've received.

Christmas stands as a marker of the passage of time. It's like a cairn in the great journey, and it reorients me to where I am--both in time and space. Each Christmas season I reflect on the twelve months that have passed, and this year, I'm overwhelmed by the people.

There are the rotten ones, the ones that I've weeded out. I found a quote last January that read, "Let go of what doesn't grow", and I spent this year trying to do just that. That means I let go of some people, gently and with great care. At the time I often felt miserable about these partings, but now I see what's managed to grow in the spaces these people were previously occupying...and strangely, I now feel gratitude for those who were weeded out. Thank you for saving that space for the next thing; thank you for going away when it was time.

There are the wonderful people in much greater numbers, though. Old friends who I've reconnected with, and old friends who I've barely seen, but who I love to have as friends even at a distance. New friends who have become permanent fixtures in my life, bringing with them fresh new joys never before experienced. And new loves, bringing with them all the heartrending treats and tribulations, the sweet stinging pain of human affection.

I have been gifted this year with support at home from my best friend, MJ. I count myself blessed to have someone I love so much be so close at hand.

My work has been made more rewarding by the friendship and mentorship of my business partner, someone I so much enjoy working with--but probably even more enjoy making laugh.

My dog trainer, who has become a cherished friend and has quickly become one of the first people I think of when I need to ask myself, "What would someone wiser than me do in this situation?"

My CapitalGeekGirls.com co-editor, Pepper, who has no earthly idea how much I appreciate her for her skill and her patience.

My boss at the school where I teach, who has helped me realize my dream of teaching and who is so marvelously supportive and encouraging.

There are so many more, some of whom have touched my life in such personal ways that I can't bring myself to explain them here.

This year Christmas isn't about the gift-giving for me, because there is absolutely no way I can possibly express my admiration, adoration, and gratitude to my people. It's overwhelming. I've faced some serious trials of late, but all these wondrous people have softened the blows and sweetened the victories. I cannot possibly say 'thank you' with little things wrapped in paper. There is nothing on earth I can give them that would equate to the gifts they give me. I am in awe.

I feel like I got to open new presents every day this year, all of them on two legs. Oh, and sometimes four...can't forget the pup.

Best of: Crafty Geeky Christmas on Girl, Crafted. Stockings!

I love making stuff by hand for Christmas, especially when people have very particular tastes that cannot be satisfied by store-bought, mass-produced things. A couple Christmases ago, I shared this DIY geeky stocking tutorial when I made three stockings for three special friends. I thought you should know that I, too, go back and revisit my old posts, use the tutorials, follow the recipes, etc. So this year for a new friend who also didn't have a stocking (poor deprived children!), I made a very special archery-themed one.


This is much less sparkly and colourful than my personal taste. It's quiet understated for a holiday decoration. BUT, it is perfect for the recipient, and indeed when I asked him if I could add just a little glitter, he gave me an emphatic 'NO'. So he can keep his understated stocking as-is, which is still pretty great quite frankly.


If you'd like to try your hand at a stocking, here's the original tutorial. Once you've got the basic jist, you can make any type of stocking you might want. And these actually make great Christmas gifts, because you can personalize them so much and they'll be using them year after year.

Fifteen days 'til Christmas...keep calm and craft on!

Be Broken. Be Open. Be Okay with Chaos.

I read two really great articles recently that spoke to me, and I think they may speak to you.

The first one was called “Why Lying Broken In a Pile On Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea” by JC Peters. The second was a piece called “Time To Get Honest About Being Disabled”, published in Disabled Magazine and written by a man named David A Grant who’s a traumatic brain injury survivor.

These two articles on their own are amazing and powerful, but reading them both in one week has sort of blown my mind.

THE GODDESS WHO'S ALWAYS BROKEN

Julie Peters explains in her article that there’s a goddess named Akhilanda, whose name basically means “Never Not Broken”. Peters (and Akhi herself) sort of suggest the idea that being broken is part of growth, part of change; so instead of looking at ourselves and saying, “Whyyyy am I so broken? I suck because I’m broken,” we can say, “I am broken because I am growing.”

I am broken because that’s how things grow. So being broken (physically or mentally, whatever you’re dealing with) isn’t weakness, and it’s not the endgame; it’s the start of the new you. And if you’re like me and you crave constant growth, then you’ve got to expect—and embrace—constant breakage. I come undone because I am always undone. I am never finished. I am an agent of change.

THE WASTEFUL PURSUIT OF PERCEIVED PERFECTION

This obviously paired really beautifully with Grant’s article, which talked about how much time we all spend trying to appear ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’. God, we expend a lot of energy trying to pretend we’re OK. And for what? Grant points out that those of us with invisible ‘broken parts’ can become isolated by our own perfect acting. Instead of burning ourselves out pretending we’re fine, why can’t we just accept ourselves as imperfect creatures? If we all did this, unabashedly and with a sense of pride for our individualized strengths, wouldn’t we find out that normal isn’t the norm at all?

CHAOS IS A FRIEND OF MINE

I read these two articles the same week that I saw Bob, my psycho-spiritual mechanic (my counsellor, in layman’s terms) and he suggested that I need to start working on better embracing chaos when it hits. I’m not a chaos fan. I like things to fit neatly into little boxes, to start when they’re supposed to start and end when they’re supposed to end. I like things quiet unless it’s an orderly noise. I like it when the dog stops shedding for the season. I like it when my house is clean.

This week I stopped trying to keep away the chaos. I started by giving up on my house cleaning. I never really get on top of it anyway, what with teaching and running a start-up company; why stress about what I can’t currently control anyway? That drove me a bit batty, but I managed and I figured that would be what I told Bob I did this week—yay, me. Instead, the goddess Akhilanda decided I needed to be pushed a little further. So on Wednesday morning my car wouldn’t start, and after four days of driving around a loaner while we diagnosed the problem, the loaner blew a tire, leaving me stranded in a Chapters parking lot.

LEARNING GAINS MOMENTUM 

It’s a funny thing, personal growth. When you decide to start down a road of self-discovery and self-acceptance, momentum can start to pick up. One learning opportunity after another will start to happen, sometimes faster and faster until you can’t tell where one ends and the next begins. As I stood beside my loaner car waiting for help, I called MJ and laughed with all my heart at the ridiculous chaos of my life. I didn’t freak out. I just laughed, bought myself a banana loaf inside, and waited for help.

So I guess, if I package up all my learning this week for you to also benefit from, I’d have to say this to you:

Be forever broken.

Embrace it, inside and out.

And don’t fear the chaos, because it’s part of the eternal breaking/mending cycle.

Two days later, my car is fixed, I’ve scored some major victories in my work, and I’m sitting in my chair now, listening to MJ sing as she bakes while Corben sheds relentlessly all over my feet and my unwashed hardwood floors. And I’m pretty content, actually.

Some Tuesdays are Mondays.

Tuesday went like this.

I got up at 5:30am.

I fought with the doors on my car that had frozen shut, then drove past the school I teach at as I forgot where I was going; pulled a U-turn down the street and actually drove to the school instead of past it this time.

Ran with my dog Corben to the building as his feet started burning from salt, and I realized I can't carry him now that he's 53lbs. Taught class. Got call from MJ back at the house: she's ill.

I drove home on class break, made her tea, checked temperature, and gathered crackers. Drove back to school, taught another class with angry students this time (long story). 

Drove to a client's for a troubleshooting thing, then to the grocery store for sick MJ food. Drove home, made MJ sweet potato slices in the oven (a compromise, as she wanted tater tots DESPITE STOMACH FLU).

Found that dog had dragged the mug we use to scoop sidewalk sand into the house and onto my bed, where the snow it contained had melted.

I put dog outside for a pee, then brought him in even though he brought a big rock into the house to chew on. Took rock away from dog, discovered rock was actually his own frozen poop. Cleaned hands, floor, etc.

Took dog to THREE PET STORES looking for boots, found nothing his size. Came home, sat down for the first time in 14 hours.

Ate leftovers, stared blankly at my to-do list until bedtime while watching MJ scroll through thinkgeek.com. Eventually dragged yoga mat into her room so I could try stretching out my screaming sore back.

So yeah, pretty normal day.

Only Good Girls Keep Diaries

I haven't been blogging. There's a couple reasons for this.

ONE: I'M SO STRESSED I'M SEEING SHARKS.

One: I'm so overworked that I can barely remember how to put on pants. I'm not joking. The other morning I went out for a smoke and instead stuck my pen in my mouth, and it took me several minutes to realize it wasn't a cigarette.

credit: morguefile

When I get stressed, I sleep poorly, and when I sleep poorly, my nerves get shot, and then my imagination takes off, and then I'm doomed. I went for a swim last week and midway through, I had the pool to myself. This should have been nice but instead my imagination said, "Hey...what if there's a shark in here?" This is something my head used to whisper to me when I was a kid at the lake, and it boggles my mind that it still whispers this today when I'm an adult--an adult swimming in a pool. Yes, it's a saltwater pool; no, I don't think it can sustain marine life. I asked my head, Why are you doing this? How the hell do you think a shark would get in here? And my head said, Someone brought it in.

After a moment of stunned silence, I said, Are you seriously suggesting that some nutjob somehow,
a. Acquired a live shark large enough to eat a human,
b. Figured out a way to safely transport this six-foot fanged monster to the gym,
c. Slipped the shark past security,
d. Somehow grabbed the shark around its middle, heaved the thousand-pound, toothy beast along the pool deck, then slipped it into the water, where it has managed to hide, somehow camouflaged into the light-blue paint, waiting for ME to get into the water so it could eat me?

My head seemed to ponder the mental image I had created, then said, I'm not suggesting, exactly. I'm just wondering.

My swim was completely ruined. Other people fear monsters in the basement. My imagination eschews the dark and silent spaces, and instead injects nightmares into brightly-lit public pools where pop music blares over the speakers.

TWO: PRIVACY MATTERS.

My second reason for not blogging lately is that some things are developing. My love life, for one. I've surmised that I'm loathe to share this with the great invisible public because sharing such intimate details in the past has been hard. When my first blog, the wedding blog, went viral, it was weird for me. Well, beyond weird. Being recognized on the street can be cool but also uncomfortable. When my marriage ended, I faced not only the usual judgement that all failing couples deal with from friends and family, but also the judgement of anonymous strangers from all corners of the world. There are literally message boards discussing my divorce. After my boyfriend Alan and I broke up, I tried to keep that really quiet, but I felt critical eyes on me again, made more painful because I now had had two breakups from two different relationships that I'd felt confident were 'the one'(s).

I know, internally, that these things happen. It takes time to find a permanent mate, and maybe some of us never do. I also know that if you follow any thirty-something bloggess for 5+ years (as you may have done with me), relationship starts and stops will be part of the narrative. But for a short time here, I have been silent on my blog because I needed a break. I needed some time for this new relationship to grow some roots and take hold. And I needed that relationship to be made up of just two people, not two people + the peanut gallery. I also know, though, that being a writer means writing from the heart. It's a double-edged sword, this burning compulsion to narrate life.

THE REST OF MY REASONS: 

Oh, and reasons 3, 4, 5 for not blogging lately:
-My career is going through a growth-spurt that has me up at 5:30am and in bed at midnight;
-My dog training is in its final stages and requires a great deal of time and energy;
-I've been out living life rather than writing about it.

There's a quote: "Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time." That's basically me right now, except not so much 'Sex & the City' and more, 'Liz Lemon in 30 Rock'.

Pumpkin Tutorial: Mini Pumpkin Vampires

PUMPKIN VAMPIRES--NOT THE SPARKLE-IN-THE-DAYLIGHT KIND

We went a little nuts this season and bought a half-dozen giant orange pumpkins, which are sitting on my doorstep and generally crowding out anyone trying to get into my house. But aside from that, we also found a bag of tiny white pumpkins, and I wanted to do something special with them. So here's my tutorial, so that you, too, can have some dashing pumpkin vampires outside your home this Hallowe'en. And remember: size matters not. If you have enough felt, you can make these fellas out of big pumpkins, too.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
White pumpkins (small or medium likely best)
Small silver pins
Sewing pins with heads
Beads
Embroidery floss
Felt (black used here)
Hot glue gun
Carrots, other accessories as desired

WHAT YOU'LL DO:

1. STACK AND MAKE A HAT.
Loosely stack your pumpkins so you know which one will be on top, then make a hat out of felt. It's easy: cut a circle for the base. Then cut a long rectangle to make a cylinder. Glue the cyclinder shut, then glue the cyclinder to the base, which is now the brim. Glue another small square on the top to close up the hat, then trim off the excess so it's round on top, too.

2. PUT ON EYES.
I used some beads, which I poked into place with those sewing pins with heads on them. You could try another method but I'm cautious with adhesives on something that is going to get wet and slimy and frosty.

3. NOSE AND A SMILE.
I chose to make my nose out of a carrot, which I know is a bit like a snowman, but originally I'd WANTED snowmen, and anyway they're cute. I cut down some baby carrots and held them in place with more of the tiny silver pins.

The smile, I did with hot glue and a piece of embroidery thread. You can improvise here, as well. Little silver felt teeth were added; you can make teeth of whatever you have around. Maybe candy corn pinned into place?

4. PIN YOUR PUMPKIN TOGETHER.
This is a frustrating step. I didn't want to use glue in case the temperature changes outside made it break apart, so I used sewing pins of various types to stab the pumpkins into each other. You could use nails or screws with bigger pumpkins. I did six or more pins around each pumpkin connection point.

5. MAKE A CAPE.
I actually ran out of felt, so I had to cut up an old fine-knit sweater for our capes. But it would have been easier with felt. If you're using fabric, the top stand-up part of the cape (the tall 'lapels', if you will) will need to be backed with someone stiff to make them stand up. I used scraps of felt, and glue gunned them into place.

The capes are basically a triangle but instead of getting pointy at the top, they widen out again into another rectangle shape, depending on how you think about it.

That's the top part of the cape: the rectangle will create the tall lapels
and the felt piece there will keep it stiff.

At this point I took another piece of embroidery thread and tied the cape around the pumpkin dude's neck.

Then I added a bit of glue to the cape around the head area to keep it in place.

YOU'RE DONE. ENJOY.

Your pumpkin vampires are now ready for a night on the town! They're cute and also creepy, which is a bonus.
Remember to be creative. You can add and take away as you please!
If you make your own, share it on my facebook page or tweet me on twitter! I wanna see!

Mental Health Advice: Not for the rookies.

FIVE WAYS TO TAKE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TO THE NEXT LEVEL

It's Mental Health Awareness Week. You're likely going to see lots of posts talking about things you can do to take care of yourself, and for those of you who were already practicing a lot of this stuff, these advice articles will feel redundant or much too basic. Let me give some suggestions for the 'advanced' class out there. Here are some things you can do, after you've done the usual bubble bath and annual physical, that may really make a positive impact on your mental health.

1. START A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH A NEW COUNSELLOR.
Haven't seen a counsellor in a while? Or maybe you've been seeing the same one for a long time, and you find yourself wondering what else is out there? Go find out. Having a counsellor is a type of relationship, and sometimes relationships finish serving their purpose. You've grown, after all; your boyfriend from grade nine wouldn't suit you when you're thirty and likewise, your needs may no longer be met by your original counsellor. Go ahead, take a leap, and try someone new. The best part about counsellors: no messy break-up, just a quick cancellation and you're done. You can just keep moving on to new ones 'til you find one that fits your needs.

2. QUIT YOUR JOB.
Yes, I know; jobs are hard to find and you may be looking at a pay cut here. This isn't something to treat lightly, but likewise, neither is your mental health. I've had loved ones take pay cuts to preserve their wellbeing and none of them have regretted it. That being said, maybe a job change for some of you would actually mean a pay increase; maybe it's time to put your name in for that manager job, or it's finally the right time to start your own business. You could easily move into a job with more responsibilities, risk, or hardship, yet still feel better at the end of each day. It's so important to remember, either way, that your job doesn't define you--but it does occupy a huge amount of your time on earth. Go bigger, or go smaller, but don't stagnate in a job that's ruining your mental health. Take a leap.

3. START SUBTRACTING.
Get rid of shtuff. If you look around your home, chances are there's at least a half-dozen things that you've got on display that are strictly obligation objects: things that were given to you on some occasion that you don't really love. Put them in a box and post them for free on the internet. Now go through your closet and do the same for every piece of clothing that doesn't make you feel like a rock star. Now, junk any jewellery given to you by exes who you don't really like. I'm also adding: there may be people you need to get rid of, too. That's ok, and that can be equally as cathartic.


4. REALIZE THAT YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS.
This should be a beginner's step, but it's harder than it sounds: you must learn to accept the fact that you deserve good things. Chant it to yourself throughout the day. It is your new mantra. "I deserve good things." Use your mantra as a shield against people trying to dole out crap to you. Use your mantra as a shining star to guide your relationship choices. Use it as your backbone when you need to confront a boss or coworker on jerky behaviour.

5. GO TO BED AND GET OUT OF BED.
There's a particular method to this, and it's meant for those of you who may be going through a rough, stressful, or otherwise difficult time:

a. Go to bed when you don't want to.
Stress will keep you up; likewise being over-booked for things that may even seem to be good for you. The next time you go to sign up for that late-evening spin class, or are trying to finish reading that last textbook chapter, stop yourself and go to bed. You need not just down time, but 'flatline' time, too. Hell, it could be something you do midday: instead of vacuuming while you eat lunch standing up, go lie down on the couch with a blanket, eat your sammie, then close your eyes for twenty minutes.

b. Get out of bed when you don't want to.
When things are really sucking, there will come points where you can practically hear the couch or the bed calling to you. It'd be so much easier, they whisper, just to sleep all afternoon than to deal with that family problem/personal problem/general malaise/frustrating thing. I have had so many of my great successes at times where, five minutes earlier, I had almost given in to the siren call of my pillow. Push yourself just a little bit, to put that depression/sadness/stress behind you, and try for just five minutes more. You may be really surprised by what happens when you do.


I wish you all a wonderful Mental Health Awareness Week. Be kind to one another, and for the love of heaven, be kind to yourself.