Some Tuesdays are Mondays.

Tuesday went like this.

I got up at 5:30am.

I fought with the doors on my car that had frozen shut, then drove past the school I teach at as I forgot where I was going; pulled a U-turn down the street and actually drove to the school instead of past it this time.

Ran with my dog Corben to the building as his feet started burning from salt, and I realized I can't carry him now that he's 53lbs. Taught class. Got call from MJ back at the house: she's ill.

I drove home on class break, made her tea, checked temperature, and gathered crackers. Drove back to school, taught another class with angry students this time (long story). 

Drove to a client's for a troubleshooting thing, then to the grocery store for sick MJ food. Drove home, made MJ sweet potato slices in the oven (a compromise, as she wanted tater tots DESPITE STOMACH FLU).

Found that dog had dragged the mug we use to scoop sidewalk sand into the house and onto my bed, where the snow it contained had melted.

I put dog outside for a pee, then brought him in even though he brought a big rock into the house to chew on. Took rock away from dog, discovered rock was actually his own frozen poop. Cleaned hands, floor, etc.

Took dog to THREE PET STORES looking for boots, found nothing his size. Came home, sat down for the first time in 14 hours.

Ate leftovers, stared blankly at my to-do list until bedtime while watching MJ scroll through thinkgeek.com. Eventually dragged yoga mat into her room so I could try stretching out my screaming sore back.

So yeah, pretty normal day.

Only Good Girls Keep Diaries

I haven't been blogging. There's a couple reasons for this.

ONE: I'M SO STRESSED I'M SEEING SHARKS.

One: I'm so overworked that I can barely remember how to put on pants. I'm not joking. The other morning I went out for a smoke and instead stuck my pen in my mouth, and it took me several minutes to realize it wasn't a cigarette.

credit: morguefile

When I get stressed, I sleep poorly, and when I sleep poorly, my nerves get shot, and then my imagination takes off, and then I'm doomed. I went for a swim last week and midway through, I had the pool to myself. This should have been nice but instead my imagination said, "Hey...what if there's a shark in here?" This is something my head used to whisper to me when I was a kid at the lake, and it boggles my mind that it still whispers this today when I'm an adult--an adult swimming in a pool. Yes, it's a saltwater pool; no, I don't think it can sustain marine life. I asked my head, Why are you doing this? How the hell do you think a shark would get in here? And my head said, Someone brought it in.

After a moment of stunned silence, I said, Are you seriously suggesting that some nutjob somehow,
a. Acquired a live shark large enough to eat a human,
b. Figured out a way to safely transport this six-foot fanged monster to the gym,
c. Slipped the shark past security,
d. Somehow grabbed the shark around its middle, heaved the thousand-pound, toothy beast along the pool deck, then slipped it into the water, where it has managed to hide, somehow camouflaged into the light-blue paint, waiting for ME to get into the water so it could eat me?

My head seemed to ponder the mental image I had created, then said, I'm not suggesting, exactly. I'm just wondering.

My swim was completely ruined. Other people fear monsters in the basement. My imagination eschews the dark and silent spaces, and instead injects nightmares into brightly-lit public pools where pop music blares over the speakers.

TWO: PRIVACY MATTERS.

My second reason for not blogging lately is that some things are developing. My love life, for one. I've surmised that I'm loathe to share this with the great invisible public because sharing such intimate details in the past has been hard. When my first blog, the wedding blog, went viral, it was weird for me. Well, beyond weird. Being recognized on the street can be cool but also uncomfortable. When my marriage ended, I faced not only the usual judgement that all failing couples deal with from friends and family, but also the judgement of anonymous strangers from all corners of the world. There are literally message boards discussing my divorce. After my boyfriend Alan and I broke up, I tried to keep that really quiet, but I felt critical eyes on me again, made more painful because I now had had two breakups from two different relationships that I'd felt confident were 'the one'(s).

I know, internally, that these things happen. It takes time to find a permanent mate, and maybe some of us never do. I also know that if you follow any thirty-something bloggess for 5+ years (as you may have done with me), relationship starts and stops will be part of the narrative. But for a short time here, I have been silent on my blog because I needed a break. I needed some time for this new relationship to grow some roots and take hold. And I needed that relationship to be made up of just two people, not two people + the peanut gallery. I also know, though, that being a writer means writing from the heart. It's a double-edged sword, this burning compulsion to narrate life.

THE REST OF MY REASONS: 

Oh, and reasons 3, 4, 5 for not blogging lately:
-My career is going through a growth-spurt that has me up at 5:30am and in bed at midnight;
-My dog training is in its final stages and requires a great deal of time and energy;
-I've been out living life rather than writing about it.

There's a quote: "Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time." That's basically me right now, except not so much 'Sex & the City' and more, 'Liz Lemon in 30 Rock'.

Pumpkin Tutorial: Mini Pumpkin Vampires

PUMPKIN VAMPIRES--NOT THE SPARKLE-IN-THE-DAYLIGHT KIND

We went a little nuts this season and bought a half-dozen giant orange pumpkins, which are sitting on my doorstep and generally crowding out anyone trying to get into my house. But aside from that, we also found a bag of tiny white pumpkins, and I wanted to do something special with them. So here's my tutorial, so that you, too, can have some dashing pumpkin vampires outside your home this Hallowe'en. And remember: size matters not. If you have enough felt, you can make these fellas out of big pumpkins, too.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
White pumpkins (small or medium likely best)
Small silver pins
Sewing pins with heads
Beads
Embroidery floss
Felt (black used here)
Hot glue gun
Carrots, other accessories as desired

WHAT YOU'LL DO:

1. STACK AND MAKE A HAT.
Loosely stack your pumpkins so you know which one will be on top, then make a hat out of felt. It's easy: cut a circle for the base. Then cut a long rectangle to make a cylinder. Glue the cyclinder shut, then glue the cyclinder to the base, which is now the brim. Glue another small square on the top to close up the hat, then trim off the excess so it's round on top, too.

2. PUT ON EYES.
I used some beads, which I poked into place with those sewing pins with heads on them. You could try another method but I'm cautious with adhesives on something that is going to get wet and slimy and frosty.

3. NOSE AND A SMILE.
I chose to make my nose out of a carrot, which I know is a bit like a snowman, but originally I'd WANTED snowmen, and anyway they're cute. I cut down some baby carrots and held them in place with more of the tiny silver pins.

The smile, I did with hot glue and a piece of embroidery thread. You can improvise here, as well. Little silver felt teeth were added; you can make teeth of whatever you have around. Maybe candy corn pinned into place?

4. PIN YOUR PUMPKIN TOGETHER.
This is a frustrating step. I didn't want to use glue in case the temperature changes outside made it break apart, so I used sewing pins of various types to stab the pumpkins into each other. You could use nails or screws with bigger pumpkins. I did six or more pins around each pumpkin connection point.

5. MAKE A CAPE.
I actually ran out of felt, so I had to cut up an old fine-knit sweater for our capes. But it would have been easier with felt. If you're using fabric, the top stand-up part of the cape (the tall 'lapels', if you will) will need to be backed with someone stiff to make them stand up. I used scraps of felt, and glue gunned them into place.

The capes are basically a triangle but instead of getting pointy at the top, they widen out again into another rectangle shape, depending on how you think about it.

That's the top part of the cape: the rectangle will create the tall lapels
and the felt piece there will keep it stiff.

At this point I took another piece of embroidery thread and tied the cape around the pumpkin dude's neck.

Then I added a bit of glue to the cape around the head area to keep it in place.

YOU'RE DONE. ENJOY.

Your pumpkin vampires are now ready for a night on the town! They're cute and also creepy, which is a bonus.
Remember to be creative. You can add and take away as you please!
If you make your own, share it on my facebook page or tweet me on twitter! I wanna see!

Mental Health Advice: Not for the rookies.

FIVE WAYS TO TAKE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TO THE NEXT LEVEL

It's Mental Health Awareness Week. You're likely going to see lots of posts talking about things you can do to take care of yourself, and for those of you who were already practicing a lot of this stuff, these advice articles will feel redundant or much too basic. Let me give some suggestions for the 'advanced' class out there. Here are some things you can do, after you've done the usual bubble bath and annual physical, that may really make a positive impact on your mental health.

1. START A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH A NEW COUNSELLOR.
Haven't seen a counsellor in a while? Or maybe you've been seeing the same one for a long time, and you find yourself wondering what else is out there? Go find out. Having a counsellor is a type of relationship, and sometimes relationships finish serving their purpose. You've grown, after all; your boyfriend from grade nine wouldn't suit you when you're thirty and likewise, your needs may no longer be met by your original counsellor. Go ahead, take a leap, and try someone new. The best part about counsellors: no messy break-up, just a quick cancellation and you're done. You can just keep moving on to new ones 'til you find one that fits your needs.

2. QUIT YOUR JOB.
Yes, I know; jobs are hard to find and you may be looking at a pay cut here. This isn't something to treat lightly, but likewise, neither is your mental health. I've had loved ones take pay cuts to preserve their wellbeing and none of them have regretted it. That being said, maybe a job change for some of you would actually mean a pay increase; maybe it's time to put your name in for that manager job, or it's finally the right time to start your own business. You could easily move into a job with more responsibilities, risk, or hardship, yet still feel better at the end of each day. It's so important to remember, either way, that your job doesn't define you--but it does occupy a huge amount of your time on earth. Go bigger, or go smaller, but don't stagnate in a job that's ruining your mental health. Take a leap.

3. START SUBTRACTING.
Get rid of shtuff. If you look around your home, chances are there's at least a half-dozen things that you've got on display that are strictly obligation objects: things that were given to you on some occasion that you don't really love. Put them in a box and post them for free on the internet. Now go through your closet and do the same for every piece of clothing that doesn't make you feel like a rock star. Now, junk any jewellery given to you by exes who you don't really like. I'm also adding: there may be people you need to get rid of, too. That's ok, and that can be equally as cathartic.


4. REALIZE THAT YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS.
This should be a beginner's step, but it's harder than it sounds: you must learn to accept the fact that you deserve good things. Chant it to yourself throughout the day. It is your new mantra. "I deserve good things." Use your mantra as a shield against people trying to dole out crap to you. Use your mantra as a shining star to guide your relationship choices. Use it as your backbone when you need to confront a boss or coworker on jerky behaviour.

5. GO TO BED AND GET OUT OF BED.
There's a particular method to this, and it's meant for those of you who may be going through a rough, stressful, or otherwise difficult time:

a. Go to bed when you don't want to.
Stress will keep you up; likewise being over-booked for things that may even seem to be good for you. The next time you go to sign up for that late-evening spin class, or are trying to finish reading that last textbook chapter, stop yourself and go to bed. You need not just down time, but 'flatline' time, too. Hell, it could be something you do midday: instead of vacuuming while you eat lunch standing up, go lie down on the couch with a blanket, eat your sammie, then close your eyes for twenty minutes.

b. Get out of bed when you don't want to.
When things are really sucking, there will come points where you can practically hear the couch or the bed calling to you. It'd be so much easier, they whisper, just to sleep all afternoon than to deal with that family problem/personal problem/general malaise/frustrating thing. I have had so many of my great successes at times where, five minutes earlier, I had almost given in to the siren call of my pillow. Push yourself just a little bit, to put that depression/sadness/stress behind you, and try for just five minutes more. You may be really surprised by what happens when you do.


I wish you all a wonderful Mental Health Awareness Week. Be kind to one another, and for the love of heaven, be kind to yourself.

DIY Bunting: Make your own string of pennants

DIY TUTORIAL: MAKE YOUR OWN BUNTING

Have you heard of bunting? I can almost guarantee you've seen it, whether or not you knew what it was called.

Bunting is often thought of as a kid's thing, but I've made it a couple times now for adults and it's always well-received. You can do it up so it matches your decor, or fits in a cubicle, or specific to a holiday theme. When a friend of mine was sick this summer and needed a spirit boost, I did up this bunting for her; I just kept wishing I had enough time to also make myself one!

HERE'S HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN:

YOU WILL NEED:

Fabric (any kind that doesn't fray a lot, if you're going to be doing it the lazy way like I do.)

Felt (enough to back the triangles)

Ribbon 

Sewing machine with needles/thread (or fabric glue for the super lazy way)

Scissors

Felt or another fabric for the letters

STEPS:

1. Cut out your triangles of felt.

I made a template out of cardstock, and traced it onto the felt. 

2. Sew the felt to the fabric.

I do this so that I don't really have to worry about matching up edges or a lot of fraying.

3. Cut out the felt triangles, now attached to the fabric.

This gives you one side felt (for added weight and durability) and one side fabric (for the pretty side!)

4. Sew the whole thing into the ribbon.

Leave lots at the ends for tying up somewhere or for pinning to a wall. Space the triangles out evenly.

5. Cut and sew (or glue) your letters.

My bestie MJ actually did the lettering for this bunting. She cut out stencils by printing a cool font onto paper, then tracing and cutting. We glued the letters down because sewing around letters makes me crazy.

6. Hang and enjoy!

You'll find you have your best success if you keep the letters to 8 or less. Otherwise it can get a little large and unwieldy. 

Choosing coordinating colours can be tricky but it's worth the time to look for the right stuff. For small amounts of fabric (eg for the letters) consider using those squares (sometimes called 'fat squares') meant for quilting.

Have fun with it! There's no point in making crafts that make you miserable while you make them. Especially if it's a gift: gifts should come from a place of happiness and love. So don't stress about it too much, and just enjoy the process! Throw on some tunes or a Gilmore Girls rerun, and zen out with glue and scissors.

Wocky Is Coming

So Wocky is coming today and I had this idea, so I hobbled together an image with an app and some photoshop and I'm pretty freakin' pleased with this:

If you're unfamiliar with Wocky, you have missed one of my best posts of all time, so go read it here.
If you think this is awesome and I should make shirts you can buy to announce the coming of your own monthly Wocky, send me an email (jordandangerwrites@gmail.com) with words of encouragement ("Do it now!!!") or comment on this post.

If you ARE familiar with Wocky, be very very careful around me today.

Quick Pre-School Update

School starts tomorrow. I mean, not for me as a student, but as a teacher. I teach at a college. It's fun. No, it's amazing. I love it. But I'm super nervous because it's the first day of school. My coordinator told me that when you stop being nervous before the first day of school, it's time to stop teaching. So I must be a KICK ASS teacher.

Anyway, when I'm this worked up, my head doesn't operate at the normal rate. It does this thing that reminds me of my dad channel-flipping after dinner before the days of 'menu' buttons: 2.5 seconds on each channel, just enough time to hear a few words and see a few images before going on to the next thing which may be entirely different than the last thing. Observe:

WHAT MY BRAIN IS FLIPPING THROUGH RIGHT NOW

I keep doing a load of laundry but then forgetting to move it to the dryer. When will they invent a washer/dryer combo?

I want to play Call of Duty. How can I get enough work done today to play--no. Not happening.

Oooh, I have vegan cheesey popcorn. It's all the way across the room. K, nevermind, focus.

I am SO TIRED of watching Happy Endings repeats but I refuse to let myself watch something actually new or interesting 'til I'm totally ready for class tomorrow. This may be a permanent state of purgatory.

I have someone on my mind a lot lately. Someone cool I met. I keep doing stupid things, like shaving only one leg in the shower, or missing my highway exit. I tried to write out my thoughts on this person in my journal; while I'm usually a colourful and insightful writer, that page reads like a sixteen year-old's diary. I definitely used the words 'hot' and 'cool' way too many times and never as they were originally defined.

I really need new glasses.

I want a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Ohhhhh my GAWD, I'm tired of these Happy Endings reruns.

What do I wear to school tomorrow? How do you straddle the line between casual and professional so the students feel you're approachable but also don't mistake you for a fellow student? Also, how do you get yourself to care about this when your first class is at 8 in the morning?

Nevermind. The phone has rung. It's that person. Yep. All thought stops here. :)